rant
April 21st 2007 16:29
sedatives are wonderful things the odd person i like people are strange and that includes me people let you down and that includes me lets give and give again and when the tables are turned lets not know what to say to me and hand me platitudes like everything will be all right (you have a crystal ball?) like cheer up (sure i'll just turn on my cheer up switch) last month she injected her venom into me and i being the 'good friend' held out my arm soothed her turned her back from the swallow in return i am handed god damned fucking platitudes. tonight I feel the maddest I feel solo i AM solo there is noone who could possibly understand my life i don't expect them to i am a cold hearted bitch panic attacks render you that way well for me anyway i don't know what the others who have them get like the pamphlet tells me i am not mad i got to the hospital where they ask me stupid questions and i am rude to them the girl in the next cubicle od'ed on panadol and they were trying to get her to drink ipicac that stuff that makes you vomit this is me vomiting my ex husband is THE most frustrating person on this planet i left him once once is enough you can never leave my ex husband is scum he treats me and my children like shit they live with him because their mother is a mess their mother loves them above everybody else in this whole stupid fucked up world their mother has no rights their mother weeps daily their mother has given up alcohol and is very very angry (understatement of the year) their mother is pathetic their mother is very confused right now................
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Comment by Nickoftime's Sanity Corner
I suffer from chronic depression myself as well as AMS...I too take sedatives once in a while and there's nothing wrong with it..
Your rant is completely justified...as you've probably read in my blogs, I don't pull any punches when I rant either!! People are inherently ill tempered, cold hearted and selfish..I wish I could help you someone...Because I've been on the recieveing end of alot of cruelty lately myself and also had a "best" friend stab me in the back...
I'm feel so sad for you...but, people are gonna do whatever they're gonna do regardless of how hard you try or how good you are to them...They take advantage of our "soft" hearts, and rip us to shreds don't they...Tragic...
Please try not to feel too badly...there are others out here who feel exactly the same way you do...and I'm one of them..
Take care,
Nick
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
of this fine lady
lead her to a mirror
where her beauty
may be revealed
to her
and the scars
of past monsters
wiped away
let her heart beat
the true warmth that
lies within in
don`t ever let another human being tell you that you are not worthy or that you are a bad person Lily. Not everyone is as perfect as what they think they are and people like this so called 'man' should be banished from the world.
And don`t punctuate anything.... this is how you felt, this is how you feel and it`s as simple as that... no need to make it all nice and rosy and wrapped up in pretty paper just so that someone can come along and say... oh what a lovely little rant you had Lily I hope you feel better now....
this world is so full of shitty people it makes me sick that good ones like you are used as doormats and then made to feel like your thoughts and emotions are those of a mad woman....
you`re great and don`t every change
hugs
ash
Comment by Optomistic Opportunism
Japanese Jazz Funk
Optomystic Opportunism
This post is the biggest page turner I have ever seen on the net. Regardless how many pages it actually is.
Why? It aims at the core of a human. I see you as the strong and independent type, regardless losing a shoulder to lean on can be aggrivating and confusing.
I have been told my confusion lacks tragedy. You are the stronger for not lacking in this matter.
Hope your feeling fine for now,
Opto
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
*warm hug*
I do understand....I had my first panic attack at 20, but Id had symptoms of anxiety my whole life....
I went crazy for a whole 2 years. When Im brave enough I may post on it directly...But its hard, considering its all lost time to me....I remember the odd day, or morning, or afternoon, the many doctors, but I cant put it in time frame. Theres just before....Then after. The exact point my psyche snapped in two is evident...And the painstaking piecing back together again...I see no doctors for anything, dont trust them....
And, if I do collapse sometime from a dread disease?
(I have symptoms that fit cancer, lupis, brain tumour and more, I also have a heart defect that my brother has - he was operated on at 24 after being told for years, "your too young to have chest pain" gee, is there an echo? thats what they tell me...)
I will sue every last one of those fucking bastards that told me it was all in my head. I still believe Im NOT crazy, that Im in pain and no one will fucking believe that my symptoms are REAL......
Come to me for hugs and open ears whenever you like. Im here Im listening and I always will be....
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
I know you don't use the word 'suffer' lightly, I haven't heard of AMS before? thank you muchly for your comment Nick, and for your understanding.
Here is a song that's in my head this morning;
I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
~Foo Fighters
~Lily
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
Madness .. a word with many connotations methinks... the pressure cooker valve needs easing.. or we explode (or implode) into a thousand shards. Once upon a time, i discovered my lost voice through poetry, and i am hella grateful for the gift of it....
The Madhatter and Mad Max send their regards... lol
your poem is received
with grateful heart
she smiles
warmth and hugs to ya Ash,
~Lily
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
I'm tired Opto, i'm very tired, tired of people's bullshit and walking in these red shoes of mine. Being let down sucks, unless you're hanging from a noose and not dead yet.. don't ask me where that came from --smile
Thanks for visiting and connecting Opto, i appreciate the reach....
~Lily
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
smiles at you: What I love about you Kleo, is you write r a w... no holds barred, reminds me of someone i know, and am coming to know better.. not many people are brave enough to speak without inhibition... you my dear, encourage me immensely and inspire me toward the elusive healing i seek... I hope you find it too...
this;
Come to me for hugs and open ears whenever you like. Im here Im listening and I always will be....
deeply touched me within the underground rivers.. thank you
hugs and here for you too Kleo, albeit in my ashy state sometimes...
~Lily
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I never 'got better' I just learned how to hide it better, not just from everyone in public but from those I love too. The mask of iron fits better than ever...and hurts more than ever, now its so close to my skin...
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
Allow me to rant a lil further ~smile
i have panic attacks every single day, have for a long time, and i am at a LOSS to know what to do about them. Many of my friends have questioned why i don't stay in contact, i've told them why, because i need to find peace so i can GET ON WITH MY LIFE ..
but they back away anyway because it FREAKS them out... fair enough, they feel helpless and can't handle it.
Someone needs to teach those doctors at the hospital to stop asking stupid questions, how to deal with people having panic attacks. Mostly they say unhelpful things like, 'you're ok, calm down???' oh yeah right, ok, pfffft tell my body that please... 'you seem to be very angry, what's the matter?' i was asked recently.. 'i sat there and seethed, and instead of saying what came into my mind, i said 'it's personal'...
please admission clerk and nurse and doctor, ask me all the questions you need later, when i feel better, but while i'm sitting there rocking, crying and trying to find the rhythm of my breathing??? .. fuck off!!! and fuck off now... I've written out all my details so i don't have to answer any more questions... but they still ask..
The Panic Book assures me i'm not crazy, but hellllllllllllllllllll it feels like it....
I understand your anger, your frustration, your iron mask, very very well...
Lastly; i want to thank you for listening ((((Kleo))))
and for sharing parts of your life so honestly...
~Lily
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
God, I must look like a complete loon! Im not leaving the fucking house!
I dealt with it with self medication. I was having severe attacks every morning so I started getting smashed before I left. Giggled all the way to work and by the time it wore off I was immersed in a job. After a few months I cut it down and traded it for a hard workout instead. Exercise and music saved my life - For the first time EVER in my life I KNEW my body from the inside out, by stretches and aerobics, just a little rountine I worked out myself in the loungeroom. Now with the extra knowledge of my body I can feel it coming - slight tingling in my fingertips, a numbness or the edge of a gut cramp and I start stretches right then and there and BREATHE, it all comes down to parts of your body deprived of blood or oxygen or both. Circulation and oxygen depravation. Fight/flight reflex. Get to know it. I havnt had a full blown attack in about 2 years - Ive had the odd symptom, but no attacks, because I got to know my body better than any fuckwit doctor can - I LIVE with it, its MINE and I KNOW it how dare they tell me what its doing?
Hope that helps Lily love.
Comment by Wendi
And I've got to comment on the style of this because it adds so much to the text. It visually demonstrates chaotic frustration... and I can SO relate to that!
Sorry I'm late... (but it's right on time)
W
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
Wendi... right on time, yessa... connections, we seem to do that..... thanks miss Wendi...
~Lily
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
~Lily
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
I hope you don`t! It`s good to look back every now and again and see what has been on your mind and where you have come from it and gone with it - sort of like a poetic diary you have going on!
Rant on sistah they are good for the inspiration... of making deserted islands and cabana boys more of a reality
Glad to hear you aren`t having panic attacks too often
Have a good one my friend
huggins
Ash xx
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
My sweet dearest Lily Flower.....
Thankyou. Thankyou so much for making me re read this. When I look at the dates, I cant possibly imagine where I was then, compared to where I am now. Its astonishing.
And I too, was thinking of going back, deleting or perhaps 'modifying' some posts. Particularly today.
But no. It is a true record - my mind was screwed up, but it still knew what it knew then, and wether it was right or wrong, its shaped me now, and it makes it true that way. Circumstances can change, people....and ourselves.
To continue to go on, and remember this state of mind - the triumph of being able to put it behind and go on into new futures - no matter how small our steps! That is what is so good about NOW for me. I was going to post on it too.
So thankyou, thankyou for letting me read this again.
How have you been Love? Ive been great, though extremely complicated, how bout you?
Comment by Lily
Ars Poetica
Kleo sweet, how refreshing to see you, and on and forward and up from the gremmies that haunted us then, they still like to visit sometimes, just to let us know were alive. The best part about updating this rant, is to hear that you're doing well. complicated? life is a jigsaw puzzle dear.. mucha love and hugz Kleo...
~Lily